guateHOLLA

Well folks, I am about to reach my 90 day mark for living in the Hondyland. That being the case, I had to leave the country to renew my visa. So, I am currently chilling in Antigua, Guatemala with my friend from work, Emily. Let me tell you, i lerf this place. not love, lerf, which is a stronger sort of love (in between philos and agape). I've already frequented this lovely town twice with my high school when we went on missions trips here. So, some would say I am an expert on the teeg. Such an expert that I have deemed in the teeg, not Antigua. Im staying in The Black Cat Inn and Hostel which is just a quaint little place. Downside is that when I sit on my bed, it doesn't even attempt to form to my body. Mostly made out of concrete, I'd conclude. It was the perfect sort of respite I've been needing though. I think I was getting overwhelmed at everything around me. So much to get used to and now that I am finally used to Honduran culture, I am going into shock that I am so used to it. Ay.
Probably some stuff you can be praying for. I'm reading Kisses from Katie. Such a great book and one would think that prayer isn't necessary. But, I think that Satan is using it to attack me. I read it and I think: I'm not doing enough. I don't send 150 kids to school. feed those 150 kids every friday. and I haven't adopted 14 girls. Also, I don't plan on extending my gap year to a life long commitment. So, when I read it, I feel inadequate and that since I don't feel called to stay here long-term, I think that I am weak.
Mostly, I think that book is just making all of my issues come to the surface. I am still so concerned about who I am. What I can do. What i can't do. I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I can't speak enough spanish, I am too much of an introvert, I'm not helping enough children. But, that's me doubting the Lord's sovereignty. The lord doesn't NEED me to save these children. He has chosen me to help in any way I can. And I don't have to fear not doing enough. If I am fully keeping my eyes on Christ, He is able to use me exactly the way He intends. Language barrier is such a minor thing to the Lord. The Holy Spirit has no limit in His work. It's such a comfort to know that I am not as important as I think. The Lord has redeemed me and loved me enough that I don't need to be dependent on myself. And I don't need to be fearful of this world because this is NOT my home. When I believe that, there is such freedom in the work I am doing here.