This thankful time of the week is dedicated to my sister Anna and the top things I'm thankful for about her. Why you ask? Well, just because I am waiting in the airport for her to arrive IN HONDURAS! It'll be fun, I guess.
36. She was willing to pay her own way to come visit her little sister in the Hondyland.
37. She loves me so intentionally and is willing to tell me when I'm being overdramatic (which is a lot, this year)
38. She shares my unashamed love of the Jonas Brothers and all things Disney. We will both proudly go to our graves with this devotion.
39. We just know each others thoughts and jokes before they're even said out loud. I'm pretty sure we are twins and our parents have just lied to us all our lives.
40. Most importantly, I look up to her a lot, she might be my hero. But, she doesn't use that for her benefit. She just constantly points me to Jesus.
And weez about ta partay in da Hondyland!! So. Stoked.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
built on nothing less
"The waters closed in over me to take my life;
The deep surrounded me...
I went down to the land whose bars closed around me forever." Jonah 2:5-6
I am weary. My heart is heavy with burdens and I'm run dry. I sit here in my bed prepared for another restless night of sleep and I just feel weak. And, my selfishness wants to wallow in this state. I don't want to hear from friends and family that it will get better and that my life will be happy again. Because I know that as long as I believe I am in control, it won't be happy and I won't be renewed.
I started this gap year with the assumption that I would gain from it. I was different from my grade, I was brave and I chose to serve the Lord in a different country. I eagerly awaited the time after this year, when I could share my story with others. Telling myself that my story was for the Lord's glory and not my own. But, from the beginning, the Lord has shown me that His way is the only way. And the best way. I had doors slammed in my face as I searched for a place to serve last year. I was too young for missions, I wasn't educated enough, I wasn't mature. And I came to the point where I couldn't do it anymore on my own and I was weak. And that same day, the Lord opened the door for Honduras. And I trusted and saw that His way was best. But, my flesh craves my own glory and so, throughout this year, I have begun to rely on my own abilities and strengths. But now, I am broken again. And again, I am left without a clear purpose here in Honduras. And I am homesick.
But, I am seeing the Lord. This year is not about me. This is not about how I saved the street children of Honduras. It is not about my amazing ability to speak Spanish or my boldness with those around me. I cannot mess up the Lord's work and I cannot improve the Lord's work. He does not NEED me here and if I left, the kids who come to my house would find food to survive and sandals for their feet. But, the Lord is gracious enough to allow me to see His goodness. And he is using this year to mold me into a girl who longs for Christ and is more like Him each day. I cannot control my time here and I cannot make the Lords work better. That is not why I am here.
I am here to hear Ever say that the best thing in his whole life is being at our home.because he knows he is loved. I am here to tell Cesar that he is loved by me and by his heavenly Father, and that he is intelligent, because he has never heard that before. I am here to see Milton cuddle up to me after breakfast and for once be able to be a 7 year old and feel loved and wanted. I am here to watch Moises fill with pride when he outlines his name on a paper when two months ago he was the worst behaved child we had. I am here to see the Lord change the hearts of the most difficult children and to watch his glory and love displayed in their lives. And I won't have a project I can call my own at the end of this year. But, I will forever have the stories of these children written on my heart and I will know the goodness of our God through it.
"yet you bought up my life from the pit, O LORD my GOD.
When my life was fainting away, I remembered the LORD,
and my prayer came to you." Jonah 2:6-7
The deep surrounded me...
I went down to the land whose bars closed around me forever." Jonah 2:5-6
I am weary. My heart is heavy with burdens and I'm run dry. I sit here in my bed prepared for another restless night of sleep and I just feel weak. And, my selfishness wants to wallow in this state. I don't want to hear from friends and family that it will get better and that my life will be happy again. Because I know that as long as I believe I am in control, it won't be happy and I won't be renewed.
I started this gap year with the assumption that I would gain from it. I was different from my grade, I was brave and I chose to serve the Lord in a different country. I eagerly awaited the time after this year, when I could share my story with others. Telling myself that my story was for the Lord's glory and not my own. But, from the beginning, the Lord has shown me that His way is the only way. And the best way. I had doors slammed in my face as I searched for a place to serve last year. I was too young for missions, I wasn't educated enough, I wasn't mature. And I came to the point where I couldn't do it anymore on my own and I was weak. And that same day, the Lord opened the door for Honduras. And I trusted and saw that His way was best. But, my flesh craves my own glory and so, throughout this year, I have begun to rely on my own abilities and strengths. But now, I am broken again. And again, I am left without a clear purpose here in Honduras. And I am homesick.
But, I am seeing the Lord. This year is not about me. This is not about how I saved the street children of Honduras. It is not about my amazing ability to speak Spanish or my boldness with those around me. I cannot mess up the Lord's work and I cannot improve the Lord's work. He does not NEED me here and if I left, the kids who come to my house would find food to survive and sandals for their feet. But, the Lord is gracious enough to allow me to see His goodness. And he is using this year to mold me into a girl who longs for Christ and is more like Him each day. I cannot control my time here and I cannot make the Lords work better. That is not why I am here.
I am here to hear Ever say that the best thing in his whole life is being at our home.because he knows he is loved. I am here to tell Cesar that he is loved by me and by his heavenly Father, and that he is intelligent, because he has never heard that before. I am here to see Milton cuddle up to me after breakfast and for once be able to be a 7 year old and feel loved and wanted. I am here to watch Moises fill with pride when he outlines his name on a paper when two months ago he was the worst behaved child we had. I am here to see the Lord change the hearts of the most difficult children and to watch his glory and love displayed in their lives. And I won't have a project I can call my own at the end of this year. But, I will forever have the stories of these children written on my heart and I will know the goodness of our God through it.
"yet you bought up my life from the pit, O LORD my GOD.
When my life was fainting away, I remembered the LORD,
and my prayer came to you." Jonah 2:6-7
Sunday, December 11, 2011
this one's for all the kierstens out there
Firstly, I should explain that my sister Kiersten is the type that lives for wipe outs, word slip ups, and embarrassing moments. Think Americas funniest home videos. So Kier, this one's for you.
Well, I'm doing the 30 shred with Shannon. Kate refused to do it with us and I'm starting to think she was of the right mind when she made that descision. I wish I could go back seven years in my life when my dad told me to start good excersise habits then because I'd need them later in life. I did not listen. But here's the deal, working out is the worst. And it's just rude that whoever invented the concept made it so that the misery actually helps your health in the long run. Because now, everyone is just being miserable 1 hour a day waiting for the long run to come to a finish. But, it doesn't. And I digress.
I'm mostly writing this post today because I have a huge bruise on my left hip. I can't sit, stand, lie down, or walk without feeling it. To be fair, I haven't tried running, but that activity and I are enemies, so I think it would hurt. Why did this bruise appear, you ask? Well, it starts with me having a terrible attention span. And a hatred for working out. Whilst Shannon and I were trying to keep up with Jillian Michaels, I started to get restless. Which, I kind of pride myself on that unique ability, considering I was at that time doing high knees (how do you get restless while exercising). So, I naturally had to find a way to not be restless. I need to throw in that its been raining for the past three days here. Anyways, so i start to do high knees around the room. Then I see the patio door open. Everywhere in our house is tile. Yeah, the suspense is building in your hearts cuz you know what's about to happen. I go outside on our balcony and do high knees there. Then I venture to go around the balcony doing high knees. And that's when it happened. One WHACK later and I found myself sprawled out on the balcony, all my weight having fallen on my left hip. It was funny, luckily. We all know those awkward falls that everyone else finds funny while you silently weep in pain. It should've been one of those falls because there was/is a lot of pain. But seriously, I was such an idiot that it was funny. Plus I was silently rejoicing being able to skip out on two minutes of work out. Or hopefully a week, depending on how this bruise works out for me.
Well, I'm doing the 30 shred with Shannon. Kate refused to do it with us and I'm starting to think she was of the right mind when she made that descision. I wish I could go back seven years in my life when my dad told me to start good excersise habits then because I'd need them later in life. I did not listen. But here's the deal, working out is the worst. And it's just rude that whoever invented the concept made it so that the misery actually helps your health in the long run. Because now, everyone is just being miserable 1 hour a day waiting for the long run to come to a finish. But, it doesn't. And I digress.
I'm mostly writing this post today because I have a huge bruise on my left hip. I can't sit, stand, lie down, or walk without feeling it. To be fair, I haven't tried running, but that activity and I are enemies, so I think it would hurt. Why did this bruise appear, you ask? Well, it starts with me having a terrible attention span. And a hatred for working out. Whilst Shannon and I were trying to keep up with Jillian Michaels, I started to get restless. Which, I kind of pride myself on that unique ability, considering I was at that time doing high knees (how do you get restless while exercising). So, I naturally had to find a way to not be restless. I need to throw in that its been raining for the past three days here. Anyways, so i start to do high knees around the room. Then I see the patio door open. Everywhere in our house is tile. Yeah, the suspense is building in your hearts cuz you know what's about to happen. I go outside on our balcony and do high knees there. Then I venture to go around the balcony doing high knees. And that's when it happened. One WHACK later and I found myself sprawled out on the balcony, all my weight having fallen on my left hip. It was funny, luckily. We all know those awkward falls that everyone else finds funny while you silently weep in pain. It should've been one of those falls because there was/is a lot of pain. But seriously, I was such an idiot that it was funny. Plus I was silently rejoicing being able to skip out on two minutes of work out. Or hopefully a week, depending on how this bruise works out for me.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
#31-35
so, im still thankful. and here's some things i love:
31. Finding the exact backpack I wanted to buy in the States. except that it's made by a guatemalan, looks latin american, and is only ten dollars.
32. Honduran December weather. Perfect tank top and a scarf kinda weather. No sweat.
33. Antigua has a McDonalds. You don't understand how much I've missed that place. Call me an american. do it.
34. Florinda. She has a store in the market in Antigua. I remembered her from my other visits and today she told me I was her number one friend. I choose to believe that she loves me because I talked to her for like 10 minutes in Spanish and not because I bought two scarves and a table runner from her.
35. Christmas music. Such a heart warmer. Such a sucker for Michael Buble's voice when he tells me he'll be home for Christmas. Always knew I could count on him.
31. Finding the exact backpack I wanted to buy in the States. except that it's made by a guatemalan, looks latin american, and is only ten dollars.
32. Honduran December weather. Perfect tank top and a scarf kinda weather. No sweat.
33. Antigua has a McDonalds. You don't understand how much I've missed that place. Call me an american. do it.
34. Florinda. She has a store in the market in Antigua. I remembered her from my other visits and today she told me I was her number one friend. I choose to believe that she loves me because I talked to her for like 10 minutes in Spanish and not because I bought two scarves and a table runner from her.
35. Christmas music. Such a heart warmer. Such a sucker for Michael Buble's voice when he tells me he'll be home for Christmas. Always knew I could count on him.
repetitive and redundant
I write this knowing that I am being repetitive and redundant. But seriously y'all, North Carolinians are evvveerrryyywwhheerreee. I can be confident that whenever I say I am from NC, the person I am talking to will have some connection there. Here is a conversation from the bus ride to Antigua (all in English, except when I responded in Spanish, which sometimes I do on accident):
Male(age 24, kinda rocking a mullet, looks European): You visting Antigua also?
Me: Si. y tu?
Male: Yes. You're from here?
Me: Honduras? kind of, I live in La ceiba, but I am from the States. you?
Male: I've lived here 2 years. But I am not from here.
Me: Oh, where are you from.
Male: North Carolina.
At first, I was hesitant. He didn't have the appearance of a North Carolinian and then we had this convo:
Male: man, I miss American food.
Me: oof, sames. LIke a little bit of taco bell, or bojangles, or chickfila.
Male: or cookout (at thi point, i think there might have been tears on my face) Hah, I just hit the North Carolinian weak spot. What's your flavor?
Me: Orange push pop. duh. You?
Male: Cheerwine milkshake.
Oh me of little faith, I shouldve never doubted his affections for my dear state. the place I call my home. I love running into fellow NC-ers, we speak our own heart language.
Male(age 24, kinda rocking a mullet, looks European): You visting Antigua also?
Me: Si. y tu?
Male: Yes. You're from here?
Me: Honduras? kind of, I live in La ceiba, but I am from the States. you?
Male: I've lived here 2 years. But I am not from here.
Me: Oh, where are you from.
Male: North Carolina.
At first, I was hesitant. He didn't have the appearance of a North Carolinian and then we had this convo:
Male: man, I miss American food.
Me: oof, sames. LIke a little bit of taco bell, or bojangles, or chickfila.
Male: or cookout (at thi point, i think there might have been tears on my face) Hah, I just hit the North Carolinian weak spot. What's your flavor?
Me: Orange push pop. duh. You?
Male: Cheerwine milkshake.
Oh me of little faith, I shouldve never doubted his affections for my dear state. the place I call my home. I love running into fellow NC-ers, we speak our own heart language.
guateHOLLA
Well folks, I am about to reach my 90 day mark for living in the Hondyland. That being the case, I had to leave the country to renew my visa. So, I am currently chilling in Antigua, Guatemala with my friend from work, Emily. Let me tell you, i lerf this place. not love, lerf, which is a stronger sort of love (in between philos and agape). I've already frequented this lovely town twice with my high school when we went on missions trips here. So, some would say I am an expert on the teeg. Such an expert that I have deemed in the teeg, not Antigua. Im staying in The Black Cat Inn and Hostel which is just a quaint little place. Downside is that when I sit on my bed, it doesn't even attempt to form to my body. Mostly made out of concrete, I'd conclude. It was the perfect sort of respite I've been needing though. I think I was getting overwhelmed at everything around me. So much to get used to and now that I am finally used to Honduran culture, I am going into shock that I am so used to it. Ay.
Probably some stuff you can be praying for. I'm reading Kisses from Katie. Such a great book and one would think that prayer isn't necessary. But, I think that Satan is using it to attack me. I read it and I think: I'm not doing enough. I don't send 150 kids to school. feed those 150 kids every friday. and I haven't adopted 14 girls. Also, I don't plan on extending my gap year to a life long commitment. So, when I read it, I feel inadequate and that since I don't feel called to stay here long-term, I think that I am weak.
Mostly, I think that book is just making all of my issues come to the surface. I am still so concerned about who I am. What I can do. What i can't do. I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I can't speak enough spanish, I am too much of an introvert, I'm not helping enough children. But, that's me doubting the Lord's sovereignty. The lord doesn't NEED me to save these children. He has chosen me to help in any way I can. And I don't have to fear not doing enough. If I am fully keeping my eyes on Christ, He is able to use me exactly the way He intends. Language barrier is such a minor thing to the Lord. The Holy Spirit has no limit in His work. It's such a comfort to know that I am not as important as I think. The Lord has redeemed me and loved me enough that I don't need to be dependent on myself. And I don't need to be fearful of this world because this is NOT my home. When I believe that, there is such freedom in the work I am doing here.
Probably some stuff you can be praying for. I'm reading Kisses from Katie. Such a great book and one would think that prayer isn't necessary. But, I think that Satan is using it to attack me. I read it and I think: I'm not doing enough. I don't send 150 kids to school. feed those 150 kids every friday. and I haven't adopted 14 girls. Also, I don't plan on extending my gap year to a life long commitment. So, when I read it, I feel inadequate and that since I don't feel called to stay here long-term, I think that I am weak.
Mostly, I think that book is just making all of my issues come to the surface. I am still so concerned about who I am. What I can do. What i can't do. I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. I can't speak enough spanish, I am too much of an introvert, I'm not helping enough children. But, that's me doubting the Lord's sovereignty. The lord doesn't NEED me to save these children. He has chosen me to help in any way I can. And I don't have to fear not doing enough. If I am fully keeping my eyes on Christ, He is able to use me exactly the way He intends. Language barrier is such a minor thing to the Lord. The Holy Spirit has no limit in His work. It's such a comfort to know that I am not as important as I think. The Lord has redeemed me and loved me enough that I don't need to be dependent on myself. And I don't need to be fearful of this world because this is NOT my home. When I believe that, there is such freedom in the work I am doing here.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
#26-30
So it's thursday. Go ahead and hate on me, haters.
26. Confidence before the throne of grace. I love that my fear is so unnecessary.
27. Candles that make my room feel homey...homie? Homy? Hard to spell made up words, am I right?
28. Weather that allows me to wear jeans and a sweatshirt instead of the usual tank top and skirt.
29. Christmas time has arrived!!
30. That my dearest sister, Anna, will be in my arms in 15 days. HALLELUJAH!
26. Confidence before the throne of grace. I love that my fear is so unnecessary.
27. Candles that make my room feel homey...homie? Homy? Hard to spell made up words, am I right?
28. Weather that allows me to wear jeans and a sweatshirt instead of the usual tank top and skirt.
29. Christmas time has arrived!!
30. That my dearest sister, Anna, will be in my arms in 15 days. HALLELUJAH!
so long, farewell
I said goodbye to my dear friend, Amanda. We became kindred spirits over the past 11 weeks I've been here. I only know I've been here that long because of her. She arrived in Honduras the day before I did and attended the same language school, where we met the first day of class. She just made me appreciate Jesus a lot. He had clearly orchestrated our friendship since we both moved to hondy, went to school, and loved Jesus a lot. It's just fun how the Lord provides. And I truly found a friend in Amanda. I mean, how could I not when she bought me sparkling white grape juice for my birthday? Welcome to my heart of hearts, please make yourself at home.
Alas, she has abandoned me for Costa Rica and then the states afterward. So long, my lovely. I'll see you in Wilmington because you are moving there.
Finger crossed that she reads my blog because otherwise this is just embarrassing.
Alas, she has abandoned me for Costa Rica and then the states afterward. So long, my lovely. I'll see you in Wilmington because you are moving there.
Finger crossed that she reads my blog because otherwise this is just embarrassing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)