built on nothing less

"The waters closed in over me to take my life;
The deep surrounded me...
I went down to the land whose bars closed around me forever." Jonah 2:5-6

I am weary. My heart is heavy with burdens and I'm run dry. I sit here in my bed prepared for another restless night of sleep and I just feel weak. And, my selfishness wants to wallow in this state. I don't want to hear from friends and family that it will get better and that my life will be happy again. Because I know that as long as I believe I am in control, it won't be happy and I won't be renewed.
I started this gap year with the assumption that I would gain from it. I was different from my grade, I was brave and I chose to serve the Lord in a different country. I eagerly awaited the time after this year, when I could share my story with others. Telling myself that my story was for the Lord's glory and not my own. But, from the beginning, the Lord has shown me that His way is the only way. And the best way. I had doors slammed in my face as I searched for a place to serve last year. I was too young for missions, I wasn't educated enough, I wasn't mature. And I came to the point where I couldn't do it anymore on my own and I was weak. And that same day, the Lord opened the door for Honduras. And I trusted and saw that His way was best. But, my flesh craves my own glory and so, throughout this year, I have begun to rely on my own abilities and strengths. But now, I am broken again. And again, I am left without a clear purpose here in Honduras. And I am homesick.
But, I am seeing the Lord. This year is not about me. This is not about how I saved the street children of Honduras. It is not about my amazing ability to speak Spanish or my boldness with those around me. I cannot mess up the Lord's work and I cannot improve the Lord's work. He does not NEED me here and if I left, the kids who come to my house would find food to survive and sandals for their feet. But, the Lord is gracious enough to allow me to see His goodness. And he is using this year to mold me into a girl who longs for Christ and is more like Him each day. I cannot control my time here and I cannot make the Lords work better. That is not why I am here.
I am here to hear Ever say that the best thing in his whole life is being at our home.because he knows he is loved. I am here to tell Cesar that he is loved by me and by his heavenly Father, and that he is intelligent, because he has never heard that before. I am here to see Milton cuddle up to me after breakfast and for once be able to be a 7 year old and feel loved and wanted. I am here to watch Moises fill with pride when he outlines his name on a paper when two months ago he was the worst behaved child we had. I am here to see the Lord change the hearts of the most difficult children and to watch his glory and love displayed in their lives. And I won't have a project I can call my own at the end of this year. But, I will forever have the stories of these children written on my heart and I will know the goodness of our God through it.

"yet you bought up my life from the pit, O LORD my GOD.
When my life was fainting away, I remembered the LORD,
and my prayer came to you." Jonah 2:6-7